Sex isn't happiness and it isn't necessary for happiness. It sure helps, though.
Who am I kidding? Happiness? Hell, I can't live without sex.
Well. Maybe. I could, but I won't. Not even to verify the possibility.
So, Revision One: sex isn't happiness, but it is a necessary component of my happiness.
Princess Valiant and I both have pasts populated by spouses and lovers (yes, plurals all 'round) who threw out constant complaints about our excessive concupiscence. I wasted a lot of time masturbating during those years. Here are a few of the key complaints we experienced:
- Normal people don't have to have sex every night.
- Some nights I just want to cuddle.
- Cuddling doesn't necessarily mean I want anything more.
- Not everyone has your libido.
- You're wearing me out.
- Sometimes I just can't.
- I'm not in the mood.
- Did it ever occur to you that just because you want sex doesn't mean that I do?
- How can you be horny all the time?
- This isn't the time.
- This isn't the place.
- Someone might see us.
- What are you doing back there?
To this series of statements, questions, and slurs, I have derived a suitable set of responses. I do hope my ex-wife sees this list; she could learn a lot from it that might save her next marriage. Here, by the numbers, are my responses:
- Who says you're the normal one? I think, if they could manage it, most normal people would be much happier (okay, maybe a little tireder) if they had sex at least every night. I prefer it a bit more often than just UID.
- Get a teddy bear. Healthy adults are sexually aroused by intimate contact. Drawing the line at cuddling is sadistic (and not in that fun, spank-me sort of way, either).
- Yes it does. You just need to get past your own inhibitions. Wanting sex does not make you dirty (unless that thought turns you on, in which case, it does make you dirty—it does!)
- Of course not. Every individual has his or her own libido. You apparently need help getting in touch with yours.
- Bollocks. You're allowing your inhibitions to block you, and the energy you put into denial, into rationing out your emotions, and into fighting natural urges is wearing you out. Give in. You'll have more fun.
- Yeah. Sometimes I can't, too: when I'm desperately ill, when I'm thoroughly exhausted, when I've just finished a big meal. Otherwise, I can. You can if you want to. To want to, just tell yourself you want to.
- Then get in the mood. Getting in the mood is easy. I hate to sound like a tennis shoe ad, but Just Do It. Having sex will make you want sex. It's like fanning a fire. Sex feeds off itself like hunger feeding off delectable aromas. Stop whining and start caressing.
- Of course it occured to me. I dismissed it because you're alive, awake, adult, and healthy.
- I'm not horny all the time. Sometimes I'm hungry. Sometimes I'm eating. Sometimes I'm asleep. Sometimes I'm too busy doing something else to think about sex. Sometimes I'm desperately ill. Other than that, I'm horny. You are too; you're just denying it.
- Yes it is.
- Yes it is.
- If someone sees us, they'll be jealous and probably go off and do the same thing. Consider it a public service. Besides, the possibility of getting caught secretly turns you on.
- Exactly what you want me to do. Want to switch?
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